Having hidden her stammer all her life, Lisette Wesseling had to do very thing she hated doing, when trying speech therapy again. Then the secret began to lose its power.

I learned that I can change the way I stammer, and that by getting used to hearing myself do it, a lot of the fear is taken out of it. Features of interiorised (covert) stammering high levels of fluency high levels of avoidance strong negative feelings about stammering Do you habitually conceal the fact that you stammer? live with fear and panic that people will find out you stammer? have very few, if any people in your life who know you stammer? struggle with feelings of secrecy and shame about your stammer? often replace feared words for others which are easier? block silently on starting to speak?

Before finding the BSA website in 2002, I had very little understanding of stammering in general, and of my stammer in particular. In New Zealand, where I grew up, there was one approach to treatment: known as 'speak more fluently'. It said 'you can be fluent by speaking in a different way all the time. Stammering is something you want to get rid of.' This reinforced the attitudes I had been brought up with. Now, I realise this approach to treatment was the cause of most of my stammering problems.

My stammer consisted of very little audible stammering, but more of a lot of hesitation, silent blocks, occasional gestures with hand or foot, fillers such as um and you know, strange pauses and switching words.

During 2002 I wanted to revisit my speech. I turned to the BSA website and found a very interesting leaflet on interiorised stammering which described me exactly!

I realised that my stammer was simply hidden. I could not bear anybody to hear it or talk about it, and my life revolved around maintaining this secret. 'Telling' was the worst thing I could contemplate.

Over the next 18 months I attended evening classes at the City Lit in London, where I learned how to identify the tricks or avoidance behaviours to hide my stammer, and how to stop doing them. I could let the stammer be heard, and even imitated my own stammer which was fun.

Through practising the techniques I was taught, I can usually modify my stammer so that it does not become the struggle it used to be. I learned that I can change the way I stammer, and that by getting used to hearing myself do it, a lot of the fear is taken out of it and it is greatly reduced. I'm not constantly trying to hide some aspect of who I am.

One of my friends has commented "your speech sounds a lot more relaxed now - I don't notice the little stammers much".

These were not easy things to learn. The therapists were making me do the only thing I absolutely did not want to do - stammer openly and talk about it to people of my acquaintance. Yet I soon discovered the relief of letting the secret out and saying exactly what I wanted to say when I wanted to say it. I still struggle with hiding my stammer, and will probably continue to do so for the rest of my life, but my speech is a lot less jerky and tense. I feel that the 'speak more fluently' technique became another avoidance trick which wore off, and did not deal with the symptoms and causes which maintained my stammer.

Having recently moved back to New Zealand, I realise I have undergone a major paradigm shift. I'm no longer searching for the elusive fluency, but rather learning to live with my stammer. It has lost the iron grip on my life, and I feel more free to be myself.

From the Autumn 2005 edition of Speaking Out

See also:
Interiorised stammering - BSA leaflet
Reducing avoidance - part of this website's therapy section
City Lit courses - including their course on interiorised stammering