An awesome feeling of control
Management Consultant Bruce Mountain describes how, with voluntary stammering, he managed to gain control over his speech.

I am not quite sure where it all started, I do recall a stammering incident as a young child and I can recall during my childhood periodically lapsing into and out of stammers from time to time. But it was never enough to worry me. However, in my teens as I became increasingly self-aware, I noticed that at times I had difficulty saying what I wanted to say. At first I tried to ignore it and then I tried to overcome it with one of a myriad of techniques: take a deep breath; think positively; talk slowly; talk with an accent. The frustrating thing was that at times I would be fluent for a while after applying one of the remedies. This made me think that I had the problem licked. However this turned to bitter disappointment when the same remedy failed the next time. All the time that this was happening, a consuming fear of being seen to stammer began to develop. I began avoiding potentially threatening situations and became remarkably adept at substituting one word for another or skirting around difficult phrases. Invariably this got me by and few would have noticed that I stammered at all.

However, bit by bit, I became locked into a spiralling cycle of despair: stammer to fear to avoidance to stammer and back to fear. While I had achieved success in most other areas of my life I was humiliated by the fear of stammering if I had to introduce myself or explain what company I worked for, or ask for directions. There was almost nothing I would not do to escape this affliction. But, being so desperate to hide this from the world, there was no way I could even begin to relate this to my wife, family or friends.

Eventually I entered myself at the City Literary Institute on the six month "Block Modification" group therapy. This was a momentous event for me: firstly admitting to myself that I had a stammer and secondly finding the courage to trust that there was a solution to this giant problem. On the course I met other people, who in some respects were different to me, but we shared the same, mad fear. It gave me a wonderful feeling of camaraderie. But at the end of the course, although I understood much more about my stammer and at times had almost faced up to it, I had not pierced the edifice. However, after the trust I had invested in the course, I could not accept walking away empty-handed and so I convinced myself that I had found a methodology that I could mechanically apply to progressively take control.

About a year later I found myself at the lowest point of my struggle. After all the struggle and running, I was still trapped. The memory is fading now, but I don't think I shall ever forget the deep despair. As a last resort I rang the City Lit. again and this time was put in touch with Renee Byrne.

Renee was unequivocal that I would get over it "within 2 years". I desperately wanted to believe her but at this stage I resigned myself to taking things a step at a time. After about six months of bi-weekly consultations, I finally plucked up the courage to voluntarily stammer. It was on a taxi from Philadelphia Airport. I managed just a small stammer, made even more unnoticeable by the rattling of the car. But it gave me an awesome feeling of control. I realised at the time that this was a turning point. I had for the first time found the courage to face up to my stammer.

As I got the hang of it, I began to stammer voluntarily in increasingly threatening situations. This allowed me to begin to take control of the wild anxiety and fears each time I blocked. This in-turn allowed me to focus on exactly what was happening with my vocal cords and tongue when I blocked. The path from there has had some highs and lows but I have kept moving forward and now have begun to gain almost complete control over my blocks.

Do I still stammer? No. I am inarticulate from time to time, like everyone else. But gone is all the anxiety, humiliation and despair. It gives me a deep, deep sense of satisfaction to realise that I now need to make a conscious effort to bother about it. I have won.

From the Summer 2000 issue of 'Speaking Out'

See also: City Lit courses.