Searching for the Holy Grail
by Peter Fidler

I suppose I have been searching for my "Holy Grail" for quite some time. I have tried quite a few speech techniques, with varying degrees of success. I sometimes wonder if a speech technique is what I really want. I am still very self-conscious about my stammer, therefore is speech therapy all that I need? Do I really understand what I am doing to myself?

I started to think in terms of alternative therapy after I returned from South Africa in 1986, with the idea that if you spread a wide enough net you are bound to catch something. I have tried the Alexander Technique, shiatsu and hypnosis to name a few. They all have their uses, but I still needed to try to understand myself.

It was while attending the National Conference at Sheffield 2000, that I came across Transactional Analysis (TA) whilst attending the Christine Hyde workshop "The Whole Elephant". I was intrigued by the "racket system" and Christine's obvious dedication to the subject, as she had used this system to improve her own stammer with great success. With a course being held only 50 miles from my home in Kings Lynn, in Cambridge, it was an opportunity not to be missed.

To quote from "TA Today", the book that Christine used on the course: "Transactional Analysis is a model for understanding human personality, relationships and communication". It is a relatively new concept, which sprang to worldwide fame in the 60's and 70's.

Christine Hyde has adapted her understanding of TA for people who stammer, as she had been using TA for about 14 years, and thus has a thorough knowledge of the subject.

I think it is worth while mentioning here that at the same Conference I was extremely impressed with Mary Wood's workshop and lecture on "forgiveness". I am not noted for being in touch with my emotions and feelings, I am sure my wife would say "what feelings and emotions? You have none". So perhaps it was out of character, but Mary Wood's message had a profound effect on me.

This in turn helped me when attending the first session. We were invited to look at how we felt when we had a speech block. It can be difficult to stop and try to analyse how you felt in a difficult situation, a time that you would rather not revisit. It is a good testimony that we all felt safe enough to share our experiences, with each other, as we were all strangers. (There were four people who stammer.)

Christine guided us with great skill and thoughtfulness through every stage, willing to explain or discuss any aspect of the subject. We were constantly invited to draw on our own experience and try to analyse how we felt and share our feelings. As we were all fellow stammerers, it made it easier to talk. This was not a therapy session: just people exchanging thoughts and feelings, but under no pressure to do so.

We were there to learn about TA and what it may have to offer us. For instance we learnt about the "racket system", and how by changing a negative feeling into something more positive we could change our "life script". This "life script" is the strategy we all make as a child, so that we survived. We make decisions as a child to allow us to face the world and adapt to it. This "life script" is written by us as we grow into infancy, and stays with us. It is therefore out of date, what may have been useful as a child, may not be relevant to an adult.

The "racket system" model for a person who stammers shows how we feel when we stammer and shows how they are re-enforced. The idea then is to alter these feelings to stop the cycle. This is not a good description, so please refer all questions to Christine Hyde!

Week by week we looked at different aspects covered by TA. These are relevant to anyone: it is fascinating to see how we are driven and find what may have influenced our lives.

Although the course was designed to be educational, I did find it therapeutic. TA can be used in conjunction with various techniques. For instance I found that by using the affirmation "I am willing to stumble, freely and easily over my words", I had a response from my "inner child", it started to kick back. With the final session on Circular Thinking, I realised my mistake and altered the affirmation so that I am working with myself. I now say "I am happy to gently and easily stumble over my words, if I wish to". I find it useful in that my "self-talk" has improved; I am more positive about my speech, and willing to stumble over my words, rather than blocking. It is early days, but I am optimistic about the future.

TA with speech therapy, image work (the Debs Plummer workshop at the Conference was very useful), the words of wisdom of Mary Wood (learning to forgive) and other relevant techniques: it could be useful for many people. It can be used for self-improvement, better communication skills and better self-awareness.

I am sure that we will be hearing more from Christine Hyde in the future as she has a great deal to offer. I therefore hope that this course was the start of a new era for people who stammer.

(For further details contact Christine Hyde - her contact details are on the Transactional Analysis index page. See also this article by Christine Hyde.)

From the Winter 2000/2001 issue of 'Speaking Out'

See also: Transactional Analysis index