Robin Woodward describes how taking control of stammering is part of a wider picture, and gives some insight into leaving the past behind.

I have stammered for as long as I can remember and have had various forms of speech therapy from the time I started school. In my teens I developed acute anxiety and depression, for which I was given medication. But things didn't improve, and during my forties I spent a couple of periods in psychiatric hospitals. My third admission lasted 11 months and during this time I was given electro-convulsive therapy (ECT).

Without the 'competition' of the workplace, I found that I hardly stammered in hospital. When I was told I could not return to the job I was doing, I discharged myself and went back home. But I still wasn't well, and spent a further eight months in hospital.

So how did I get from there to where I am today?

Looking back, I had let my stammer rule me, instead of the other way round. In the past I had even lost a job because I stammered. I hadn't chosen to stammer, the stammer just happened, so I thought! Making telephone calls was the worst thing of all. I would put off making them with all the excuses I could think of under the sun because I knew I would stammer. And of course I would at first, but usually only at first, then I would calm down and be able to speak more fluently.

My last speech therapy was ten years ago. As happened before, I was quite fluent in the one-to-one sessions with the therapist, who referred me to a social worker. I still have one. Lots more has happened, but all that is in the past. Although I am now diagnosed with a bi-polar affective disorder and still on medication, I am much better and do lots of voluntary work these days. This includes committee work as a user of mental health services with the service providers, which I enjoy.

Oh, my stammer! I still get it a little when I am under stress, or when my mood is changing down and I am trying to keep it up. I still have a little of that fear of telephone calls, but these days I don't let my negative thoughts get a hold of me. I do relaxation exercises and have shiatsu, and feel much more positive about life now.

Somewhere inside my head I have a voice saying 'I am a stammerer', but I am always looking to put the word 'was' into that sentence. The past two years have seen a dramatic improvement in my health. My self-esteem is better. I try to not let my stammer get in the way any more. If I do stammer, I remember how I was when I was younger and how fluent I can be now. I am so much happier too. I have spoken live on local radio and recorded it and heard how good I was. I gave a talk at an AGM and at other large meetings of over 200 people. I also chair local mental health service user meetings. I still get anxious before I have to speak, but as long as I know what I am speaking about, I am quite fluent. At times I can't believe I am speaking so well, yet I manage to carry on well. However, I must learn not to get too overconfident at times like these, and calm down.

What a difference fluency has made to my life! I am no longer angry about the past. What good would that do me? I can't change it, but I can continue to enjoy the present and live at last.

The BSA helpline is available for a confidential discussion or for information about other sources of support. Tel: 0845 603 2001 (local rate call).

From the Winter 2002 edition of Speaking Out