Over-riding the fear
by Nitin Parmar

Nitin Parmar on the cover of the Autumn 2003 edition of Speaking Out

MALVOLIO: M.O.A.I. doth sway my life. Nay, but first let me see, let me see, let me see...
- William Shakespeare, Twelfth Night

It seems quite apt that I'm sitting back in my old school library writing this article. It was little more than three years ago that I was in an A-Level English class here at The Haberdashers' Aske's Boys' School in Elstree, reading a short scene from Shakespeare's Twelfth Night. It wasn't a particularly long scene, perhaps three or four pages in length, but my lasting memory of reading in class that day, was that it took so much longer than it should have done because I kept stumbling over words.

My stammer had scared me into thinking that I couldn't, perhaps shouldn't, read in class for the fear of being laughed at. Teachers and the majority of my peers were understanding, but the fear overrode all of that. I remember leaving Mr. Bass' class pretty down and deflated, and convinced that I had to be pro-active and 'do something' before this 'thing' got the better of me.

A small number of speech therapy sessions either side of the long, post-A-Levels summer break made a real difference. My speech therapist said my stammer was characterised by "easy light repetitions, part word repetitions, tense blocks and starter behaviours. These included closing or blinking his eyes, foot tapping, opening his mouth and moving his tongue before speaking". My therapist wrote: "Nitin showed good insight into his stammer and good motivation to tackle tasks". We spent time working on the desensitisation process that promoted 'advertising' my stammer and not being afraid to talk about it.

Fast forward to 2003, and the achievements of the past three years fill me with enormous pride. The youthful promise that a number of teachers remarked upon during my school years has been honed and built on through a number of extra-curricular activities. I'm now an undergraduate student reading computer information systems at the University of Bath. As part of my degree I am undertaking a sandwich year, and am currently working for House of Fraser's IT department.

I have played a supporting role in both my stints with the student musicals society at Bath. I have been on stage in the role of Herr Schulz in Cabaret, and co-producing a musical called Caesar! Both roles were very different and a brilliant way to build confidence early in my university career. Almost overnight, the fear of stammering that had plagued me through my Haberdashers' years was replaced by a very positive outlook. The speech therapy sessions built up a belief that with enough grit and determination, I could do and achieve anything... but only if I wanted it enough and was prepared to work for it.

The National Student Learning Programme (NSLP), run by the National Union of Students (NUS) "aims to disseminate key skills among students through peer based training." My two year involvement with the NSLP training team at Bath has been a terrific experience. I have been able to lead and co-train two-hour sessions on stress management, project planning and presentation skills. I've never let my stammer dictate how I've approached training, though I usually start by mentioning that I've got a stammer. My slightly unorthodox training style led me to win the NSLP 'Creative Trainer of the Year 2002' award. Furthermore, I took up the offer of tutoring with NUS on a national level, and I now work at 'training the trainer' residentials with new trainers from students' unions across the country.

So, you're probably wondering why I'm back at Elstree after all this time. The truth is that I'm seriously considering a career in teaching. I'm back here today to discuss with those teachers who taught me, my thoughts of staying in Bath after graduation and doing a PGCE starting September 2004. It's a scary thought even considering teaching as a profession, especially as I know what I was like to teach! However, I'm pretty sure that I could make a success of it. I've not given too much thought to how the stammer might affect me in the classroom; I think that it's a case of 'we'll cross that bridge when we come to it'. I've spent time working with children as part of residentials run by The Over The Wall Gang Camp, and if that's anything to go by, I'll be fine with my speech as long as I'm honest and open about it.

While my stammer has lessened since leaving school, I still don't feel overly confident on the phone. Calls often start with a short silence before I get into the full flow of conversation. I've had to use the phone a fair bit during my placement year - even us techies can't hide behind email all the time! But this has only been a good thing.

It's been a rocky road dealing with my stammer over the last ten years, but one that is now smoothening out. I'm indebted to those people who were so supportive through it all, especially my parents and my housemaster at school, Mr. Swallow.

And if I had one inspiring quote for anyone? It was a well known pop band who said: "don't stop, never give up, hold your head high and reach the top". Well said, I think.

www.nitinparmar.co.uk

From the Autumn 2003 edition of Speaking Out