Recovery from Alcoholism (via Alcoholics Anonymous)
and stammering (via the McGuire Institute in Amsterdam)
by Charles Caselton

In this very personal and hard-hitting article, BSA member Charlie Caselton tries to draw parallels between his successful recovery from alcoholism, and his ongoing recovery from stammering.

"I am an alcoholic - no, I'm a drunk. I prefer to say `a drunk' because it keeps me more in touch with where I was. Although alcoholism is a clinical condition, `alcoholic' sounds way too mature and respectable, so let's just stick to `drunk'. Before I stopped drinking the thought of going a day without alcohol was impossible, unreasonable, inconceivable and downright unnatural - yet here I am. I have not had a drink for six years and that feels great.

Throughout my recovery from alcoholism I have found the tenets of Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) to be closely linked with, and highly applicable to, how I view my ongoing recovery from stammering.

Alcohol always held a particular attraction for me. I had learnt from my early teens that alcohol gave me extra confidence and loosened the tongue - what more could any stammerer want? It was the perfect substance: relaxing, intoxicating and FUN.

While I consider my stammer as being a contributing factor in my drinking, it was not the only reason, but if you are an alcoholic - who needs reasons? I could drink on any excuse - in fact there were no excuses I did not drink on! However, I believe that, stammer or no stammer, I would have become an alcoholic anyway - I'm just grateful I was forced to realise it at 29 rather than 59.

Alcohol was not always a problem. It was only in my last three years of drinking when I really felt imprisoned, but my stammer has always been a problem to me. It feels like I have forever been a captive held under mouth arrest.

Robbed of dignity.

" ... held under mouth arrest"

From the very first days stammering robbed me of my dignity. Alcohol, if you are a practising alcoholic, also robs you of your dignity, but before it does it will have been a friend: a false friend no doubt, but a friend nevertheless, comforting, soothing, strengthening.

My stammer was never a friend. In past speech therapy groups I have been asked to name the benefits of stammering. I could never find any. One possible benefit mentioned by others has been that stammerers use their stammer to stick out from the crowd. This argument always struck me as laughable and rather offensive. There are many other ways of sticking out from the crowd: academic - or any sort of - excellence, sporting prowess, achievement - even fashion sense or some wacky haircut. Perhaps there are stammerers who use their stammer to stick out from the crowd, but I suggest that if they are that limp of brain and attitude, and they are using their stammer for this purpose, then perhaps they deserve to stammer.

During my first months in sobriety I often thought about my stammer and why, if I could stop drinking, couldn't I stop stammering? After all, both are learned behaviours and as such can be un-learned. They are both things that you do rather than things that are done to you.

Some stammerers may disagree with this last statement but I strongly believe it is true. In both conditions it is easy to see yourself as a victim and wail `Why me?'. The question is really irrelevant. What is relevant is the belief that we can change. That is the wonderful thing about human beings - our capacity for change, our capacity to improve. As I said at the start, before I stopped drinking I would have thought it way beyond my capability for a day to go by without my taking a drink. It was a concept that was out of this alcoholic's then tenuous grasp on reality. I used to think the same about stammering.

Stammerers use many tricks to appear fluent and to maintain fluency once started. They avoid or substitute, speak too fast, too slow, interrupt, tap their feet, nod their heads, speak too softly, too loud or without emotion. The variety of tricks used is akin to the variety of drinks drunk.

Fluency through silence.

On the first morning of Dave McGuire's course, four of us were having breakfast at the hotel. There were two Germans who rabbited away fluently for 15 minutes without a break. Not a single stammer or hesitation did I hear. I marvelled at, and envied, their fluency and seriously wondered if I was on the right course - these people were fluent, what could they be doing here?

Sitting with the two seemingly fluent Germans was a silent Scotsman. I sat at the other end of the table. I later learned that the two Germans were masters at avoidance. These two could have avoided for Germany on the international stage without fear of embarrassment. They maintained fluency by adeptly avoiding, substituting, changing all words they might have trouble with. Even though they appeared fluent, they were just as enchained as more visible stammerers. The Scotsman and I both maintained our fluency by not speaking. There is something dreadfully ironic here - maintain fluency by avoiding speaking.

Avoiding and using tricks is something we would rather not do but nevertheless feel compelled to do. As a practising alcoholic I would wake up every day swearing that today I would not drink, yet would find myself a few hours later propping up a bar with a pint in my hand. Admittedly, I would often feel slightly bemused as to how I came to be there, but that goes to show the power of addiction.

How often have stammerers sworn off avoiding or using tricks yet still find themselves, mid-block, wondering how they came to be there? I chose, against my will and best intentions to have a drink in the same way that I chose to avoid or use a trick. If I can choose to avoid or use a trick, then I can choose not to. I can also choose to stammer.

Seductive stammering.

A major difference between my recovery from stammering and my recovery from alcoholism is that the latter is much more clear cut. In AA, one is constantly reminded that alcohol is cunning, baffling and powerful - but that is nothing compared to the use of tricks which are all of the above plus sneaky and seductive. I know if I pick up that first drink that I have started drinking again. End of story. With tricks, however, I would often not even be aware that I had used one until someone pointed it out to me.

Alcohol was an easier enemy to fight because its effect was so apparent. I knew that alcohol was making my life totally unmanageable. I knew that I could not carry on drinking, so I knew what had to be done. But we learn to cope, to live with a stammer. In that sense, our lives were not unmanageable, we could fashion some sort of (dis-)order out of our existence.

That is the comforting self-image we create. It is only on the rare occasions when we spy ourselves in the mirror, mid-block, on the telephone that we realise the extent of discomfort we must put our listener through. It is then we really see the unmanageability of our lives. We can't manage our voices, verbal communication or expression, we can't pretend things are o.k. and that our stammer doesn't really affect us.

My aim is to duplicate my aversion and strong feelings about my using alcohol on to my using tricks. There are many aspects of AA philosophy and AA sayings that I find I can usefully apply to my recovery from stammering. Having substituted `trick' for `drink', one saying becomes `One trick is too many, and a million isn't enough'.

Stick with the winners

Another factor I was told about in AA that really helped is that you have to be selfish about your recovery. You have to put your recovery above anyone else's. Look after No. 1. Stick with the winners and don't associate with those alcoholics who are still drinking. Substitute `alcoholics' for stammerers and `drink' for using tricks and the message becomes clearer to me and, hopefully, to other recovering stammerers.

The belief uniting stammerers and alcoholics is the sneaking conviction that their condition keeps them in a place where they know they don't belong. `If only I wasn't an alcoholic I would...' and it's true if only you weren't an alcoholic you would! Since I have stopped drinking I have done things I would never have believed myself capable of doing. In my recovery from stammering I am already doing things I would never have attempted before going on Dave McGuire's course. Of course I have set myself much higher goals but I see my recovery from stammering as an ongoing thing. I know I'll get there. I know I will achieve all my goals. Hey, I have a dream as well - one day I will be free: "Free at last, free at last. Hallelujah! Free at last!".

From the Autumn 1996 edition of "Speaking Out"

See also: Costal breathing/McGuire Programme.