The Song of Life
By Anika

It seems just like yesterday when I was at school, a meek and a timid girl, always apologetic for no reason and forever wanting to be in everybody's good books. I had succeeded in portraying myself as a well mannered introvert who never got upset about anything. You could literally get away with saying anything to this timid character.

The first good friend I had was a lovely girl with whom I had some very nice times together. She did most of the talking and we were soon very thick pals. I think we were eleven at the time. I would generally disguise my stammering by avoiding the words I seemed to have problems with. When I would stammer, she would think it was an infectious disease which she might catch! I used to get extremely hurt by such remarks. It would tear me apart as I found it impossible to share my predicament with anyone. I would often think that being a girl, stammer was a kind of a taboo in society. Slowly but surely, my confidence in myself continued to plummet.

The most surprising bit was that I enjoyed reading and didn't seem to stammer while reading aloud in the classroom. My smiling face seemed to irritate one of my teachers who advised me to be more serious in life. I was devastated as my smiling was a kind of a defence mechanism I had adopted to make up for my stammer. I had no identity in school until the age of thirteen when I seemed to shock my school by singing on stage. That was the beginning of a personality change for me. I absolutely seemed to have no shyness problems or any stage fright when singing in public. I felt at the time that someone Up There was a very good friend of mine.

My friends started treating me with respect. My music teacher who had disliked me intensely for some reason suddenly started showing her fondness for me. I however found this abrupt change in her attitude rather uncomfortable. Perhaps my music teacher had disliked me earlier because I was always trying to please others. Maybe I had never been my natural self. To this day, I find it difficult to maintain contact with any of my former school acquaintances. School memories are something which still trouble me.

In contrast, my days at the university are the most memorable days of my life. I suddenly transformed from being a rather dull girl to being a very mischievous and confident student. My university friends were just marvellous and would you believe it, I hardly stammered. I became a rebel fighting for everybody's rights. One school friend remarked that because I had gained confidence my stammering had vanished. Maybe she was right, or was it because I had become a person in my own right. Whatever it was, it did wonders to my image of myself. I continued my singing through university, and this was a great source of encouragement to me. I now have a career in singing.

I still have my ups and downs. Sometimes I dislike myself intensely for not being able to go to a party and participate in a conversation. At times I go all stiff and am labelled an arrogant person. I sometimes think that as long as I don't stammer, people respect me, but the moment I slip, they start regarding me as a non-entity. However, I can't keep blaming people, or my former teachers all the time. A poet once rightly remarked 'People do not change, you change'. Instead of wallowing in self-pity, I have now come to terms with my stammer. I have finally mustered up some courage and joined the BSA and found it to be a very useful medium to express myself.

I have started respecting myself, and am trying to stop being so self-conscious. I now make a determined effort to try and use the techniques that I have learnt to overcome stammering, and have more or less stopped trying to please people around me. I now try to speak more slowly and thoughtfully rather than rushing through the words, and that often seems to help.

We who stammer should feel proud of the fact that we are such sensitive, caring human beings. We do not have to prove ourselves to anyone. Of course, our journey is full of emotional upheavals, but if we are determined and patient, we shall get there.

From the Winter/Spring 2002 edition of Speaking Out