Steve Middleton: "I went through life laughing along with other people when I talked. I wouldn't show it on the surface, but it did hurt inside." (Photo: Steve Middleton)

After he recovered from the initial request from the BBC, Steve Middleton says he has no regrets about being filmed for the BBC 'Lost for Words' documentary.

Looking back on the last 6-8 months of my life has been quite interesting for me. If someone had told me what would have happened in these past months, I would have laughed!

2003 was a good year for me. I've found a way that I can control something that has had control over me for my whole life. Finding the Starfish Project was a major turning point in my life. Being so apprehensive of the course I did not know what to expect. It was during the course when I realised what I had to do to control my stammer.

Being in the limelight with my stammer - having the BBC there filming was quite strange at first. When I first saw the letter from the BSA asking for volunteers for the programme, it sent my skin crawling! This was around the time I had just enrolled on the Starfish Project. I spoke with Anne on one occasion and she told me that the BBC had contacted her to ask the people she had enrolled on future courses if they would be interested in talking with the BBC about the Lost For Words programme. I agreed, and the producers (Nic and Gabby) phoned me the same evening. We had a real good long chat, and that's when they asked if they could come down to my house and talk about it further. I agreed and we met on several occasions to talk about the programme and the sorts of things they had in mind. I had quite a lot going on in my life. I was in the middle of a DJ competition, and was enrolled on the Starfish course, which is what the BBC thought would be interesting for the programme. I agreed to go ahead with all the filming. Even though I was real nervous at first, we had a real good time and I couldn't have asked for nicer producers, camera and sound crew.

I feel there is no balance between accepting stammering when it happens and using the technique. Growing up with major body movements when I talked was quite difficult, and in my elder years very frustrating. But on the other hand I used to love talking and meeting new people (not necessarily other people who stammer) but strangers even. I feel I was one of the lucky ones. I had good friends when I was younger and I have good friends now (I am 22). I went through life laughing along with other people when I talked. I wouldn't show it on the surface, but it did hurt inside. I think the hardest times were when I was in pubs (especially loud pubs and clubs) because being the size I am it must have been quite strange to see me at the bar moving like I used to.

I don't blame people for laughing or looking away - I suspect some felt quite intimidated by me, but I always used to make a point of looking the person in the eye when I talked to them and tried to keep eye contact even though my head was moving. So actually finding a way in which I can maintain someone's eye contact and control my body movements is a big thing. I find it is very hard work, but nothing comes easy, especially if you want something bad enough.

I've had a lot of feedback from the programme, and everyone so far has been positive. I've even been in pubs, clubs and in the streets where people have come up to me and said "I think you did really well and how's the DJ-ing going!" This has been great. People say "I bet you're sick of hearing about it", but I love it. Knowing that I've helped other people with the same problem and raised awareness is a great feeling.

Looking back, I have no regrets about anything about the programme - in fact I feel very proud. I also think the other guys in the Lost for Words programme - Lee, Gouri and Max, were brilliant and would love to meet up sometime with everyone.

From the Spring 2004 edition of Speaking Out

See also:
A video of the BBC Lost for Words documentary is in the BSA library.
Costal Breathing for more on the Starfish Project.