According to his GP, Jim Cowan's stammer was hardly noticeable. So why did he decide to start a life-changing process of therapy?

In October 2004 just after my 39th birthday, I finally realised that after a lifetime of struggle it was time to seek help, and do something about my stammer.

For years I had gone through life kidding myself that everything was ok and that my stammer wasn't really that noticeable. This was somewhat confirmed when I went to my GP asking for help with my stammer, when he said, he didn't really notice I had a problem.

If only it was as simple as that. I had struggled with stammering for years, hiding my problem and always putting it to the back of my mind. Coming from the West of Scotland you are conditioned into this and asking for help is just not the done thing. However, I was angry with myself. I felt stupid. I was in constant fear that I would stammer when I was speaking. If anyone commented on my stammer I would just shut off from the conversation and feel sick. I could not and would not challenge people who mimicked my stammer, because after all, I thought I was a joke, and I deserved all that I got.

So why did I go and ask for help? I finally realised that I had to face the simple truth that I could not go on living my life in the second division; it was time to break myself free from the nightmare of stammering.

I started speech therapy in January 2005, however I really did not know what to expect.

The iceberg melts

My speech therapist, Carolyn Allen, introduced me to the iceberg. It was then that I realised that stammering for me was not about speaking. I now realise that it was really my perception of stammering and people who stammered, i.e. what lies underneath the water line, that broke down the barriers I had erected against stammering. I became more confident about my stammer and accepted it as part of me.

I then embarked on a self-advertising programme where I would openly talk about my stammer to anyone who would just listen. I started off by speaking to friends about the issue.

However I was not prepared for what was just around the corner.

Taking control

I became more confident about my stammer and accepted it as part of me.

I received a letter from my bank asking me to contact them regarding a potential fraud situation on my account. I contacted them and during this conversation I stammered. The 'customer service' agent dealing with my call asked me to slow down and take my time. This comment was very patronising. When I spoke to her manager, she apologised for any inconvenience and stated that she did not accept that I was treated any differently due to my disability.

In my view having a stammer is not a disability. People's ignorance of stammering makes it a disability. I then asked the Bank for a meeting to explain my point of view. On the day of the meeting I arrived early and I sat at reception. I looked around and it was then I asked myself:
why put myself through this, why am I here, why put myself under this pressure?

I was terrified!!

The answer was simple. I owed it to myself. It was now time to speak up.

The meeting was fantastic. We spoke about stammering. We discussed how I had been treated. I was in my element. At all times I kept eye contact. My therapy sessions were working.

I was actually educating a total stranger on how to deal with a person who stammered.

The other day I received a reply from the customer relations manager. He now has a greater understanding of stammering and has been in contact with BSA Scotland asking them to train the bank's customer relations team on how to handle customers who stammer.

I have just turned 40 and I've finally grown up. I can speak about my stammer. I am not ashamed any more. For the first time in my life I am proud of myself. Life does begin at 40.

From the Spring 2006 edition of Speaking Out, page 15